HELLO!

Welcome, welcome, welcome. Do I entirely know what Substack is? Nope! But we are learning on the job. Off we go…

My name is Rosie. Rosie Jones, and if you don’t know me, well, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING ON MY PAGE?

I wear many hats, and I have many, many labels, so to kick us off, here’s a table of twenty words you might use to describe me:

I feel like that is a good word haul. Read them column wise, or row wise, and you should get a real taste of who I am.

I will get into the nuts and bolts of who I am and what makes me tick with each unfurling Substack but basically, I have been a comedian for ten years, and before that I was a television researcher on UK comedy panel shows (like 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown and The Last Leg). I have always been SUCH a fan of the UK comedy scene and my brilliant mum (hiya Andrea!) raised me on a healthy dose of Victoria Wood, Caroline Ahearne and French & Saunders. Good, strong, funny women.

But because I have slow speech due to having cerebral palsy, I never felt like I could be a comedian. Everybody would get to my punch line before…I…did (that joke works better if I say it!). When I grew up, I never thought that a disabled person could be a comedian, because I never saw a disabled comedian on TV. How could you possibly dream to be something if you have never seen it?

Eventually I thought, ‘fuck that’ and I took the leap into performing stand-up comedy. Has it been easy? Nope. Do I still get shit every single day for daring to be a stand-up comedian AND having cerebral palsy. Yep. If I had known at the beginning how difficult and exhausting it would be, would I have still given it a go? Damn fucking right I would’ve!

So, I want this to be a place we can chat, and explore together, so please send me your thoughts and I will be guided by you. I can chat queer shit, disabled shit, or General Comedy Shit (my grandad was in the army with him). I am also not opposed coming on here and just telling you what I am eating and drinking (a can of Irn Bru and a bag of pickled onion Monster Munch, thank you very much).

I also want to end every piece by telling you three random things I am loving, hating, eating, reading, watching, thinking about. Basically a place I can splurge what I am doing that week. You. Are. Welcome.

I AM drinking Irn Bru. Ok, I have already told you this. But give me grace. I am currently rehearsing a play in Glasgow and I feel like I have morphed into the biggest Scottish cliché that has ever existed, and I am not sorry about it. Just don’t ask what colour my piss is…

I AM reading Mockingjay. The third in the Hunger Games book series. Of course, you knew that already, because everybody’s read the books, right? Not this guy. Nothing like being seventeen years late to the party. I am loving it though and I am racing through all of the books. What next on my ‘late to the party’ cultural expedition? I might start a little known TV show called Breaking Bad.

I AM hating Bridgerton. Right, hate is too strong a word for it…I just wanted to entice you in because I am a cheeky little monkey, but I am finding this latest series bang average. Benedict has always been one of my least favourite characters, and whilst I do really like Sophie, I do find myself screaming, ‘YOU CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER THAN THAT ENTITLED DICKHEAD’ at her whenever she and Benedict lock eyes with each other. Also, we have been teased with the promise of a gay story line for Francesca, and I am impatient. I just want lesbian kisses now please.

Right, my Irn Bru needs topping up so I’m gonna piss off. Come back here every Tuesday and I will have another nugget of wisdom (or ball of nonsense) for you to feast your eyes on. Am I releasing them every Tuesday simply so I can sign off with, ‘See you next Tuesday’? Yes, yes I am.

See you next Tuesday, cunts,

Rosie xxx

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